Posts Tagged ‘friends’

Last night I had an anxiety attack.

I fell asleep at eleven,

woke up at 2,

and couldn’t go back to sleep.

I was hung up on

schoolwork, relationships, my place

in life. Not so much wondering

as letting it all spiral into chaos within my head.

At lunch I felt depression settle in-

the feeling of Not Feeling.

I told myself that I wasn’t going to wallow,

that I was going to feel things

because I was better than this,

but my body barely listened.

And all I want is for a friend to listen.

I may be in a new place,

but I want to keep my old, good friends.

I don’t want to feel ignored,

isolated,

alone.

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The prominent gray

white and blue of the supermarket gives

     way to your familiar faces.

We confront each other with casual friendship.

The words

from your tongue

      are the usual sharp, sour curses mixed in

            to everyday dialogue.

your beards are genitals

sewn onto your faces.

One of you

       is still pubescent, though

      really having just entered adulthood.

We talk.

One of you barely whispers that I’m “…a

       pussy, right?”

One of you comments how there will be nothing to do but

“drink and fuck” where I’m going.

     I almost want to say 

     “just like you do?” and bring up your girlfriends.

What do they see in you?

      And you can go breathe in cancer,

meanwhile I can feel my heart

is ten times heavier than both of yours,

          ten times larger.

That nonchalance,

      that callousness,

that you two possess

is not something I wish to be cursed with,

and I feel more mature than both of you.

     I feel older-

     responsible.

I unwittingly comprehend,

      I have something to live for.

“It’s almost impossible to let someone go when you know they’re not in the past; they’re alive, you’re alive, and you’re both living in the same present- just not always in the same place.”- Original

You can’t forget that they’re there.

In this Tedium where Time

grayly spans without end,

what one truly needs

is the Smiling face of a Friend.

Friends or Pirates–

you can’t be both.

They want– I want…

if they could let me be happy,

be respected for one day.

I am not a toy to be passed

from dirty hands of one child

to the next. I’ll rest here,

where I want. Until the day

comes when they’ll learn

by truth bitterly seasoned,

and unto them served.

By tomorrow I will have lost four pieces

of my head: four diamonds, two of which

have yet to emerge;

four relics that have grown inside me;

four friends which have stuck with me

through depression and heartache,

through thrill of stage lights and applause,

through anger and haste

and a five hundred twenty five word apology

to a girl I haven’t seen since.

Tomorrow I part with these old gems,

and I’ll be none the wiser.

I wish there was a place I belonged.

Where I could escape the screams,

escape the judgement

of eyes widen and staring,

or, thin as worms, glaring.

I wish there was a place I belonged

for even among friends

everything I say is counted against me

with angry exclamations,

or approved with subtle laughter–

not the roaring guffaws

they make after each other’s comments.

I wish there was a place

where I could listen to music that moves,

rustles the long grass blades of my mind,

not this mindless drivel

driving its guitar riffs against gravel vocals.

I wish there was a place where I had friends

who wished to go where I wished to go.

 

I feel the wind on my face,

it caresses, tugs my clothes

and pulls me toward the heart of the forest

near the hills behind my home.

I’m alone.

The sun beats overhead.

For now, I’m where I belong.

Here, in this quiet focus of the natural, blue, green,

and yellow world. It speaks in whispers.

I belong here.

Alone.