Posts Tagged ‘lonely’

I’m not sure if I’m isolating myself

in my shut mouth, my closed door,

by the groups I hang out with,

in my flannel shirts, in rehearsals.

I keep thinking how nice it would be

for two arms to wrap around my waist,

pull me close to a warm chest,

a beating heart.

If I open my door,

there’s no guarantee I’ll open my mouth.

Last night I had an anxiety attack.

I fell asleep at eleven,

woke up at 2,

and couldn’t go back to sleep.

I was hung up on

schoolwork, relationships, my place

in life. Not so much wondering

as letting it all spiral into chaos within my head.

At lunch I felt depression settle in-

the feeling of Not Feeling.

I told myself that I wasn’t going to wallow,

that I was going to feel things

because I was better than this,

but my body barely listened.

And all I want is for a friend to listen.

I may be in a new place,

but I want to keep my old, good friends.

I don’t want to feel ignored,

isolated,

alone.

The birds rise first- Robin,

Dove- wake me each Morn.

They whistle- I find,

I am not forlorn.

O but if you could see how lonely I am,

for I am young and crave that sickening, sweet,

drink known as pity. And I am lonely;

I house a heart that is heavy with burdens

that many men and women have held before-

but they are new to me, and I state,

once again, I am young, and with youth

comes yet another burden: inexperience.

A Song Inspired by the works of Stephen Sondheim,

specifically “No One Is Alone” from “Into the Woods”

I’m all alone now

Nothing to speak to, but the air

Just ‘cause no one’s here now

doesn’t mean they don’t care

So why do I feel so lonely?

So empty and despaired?

Will things be okay?

Please, no one tell me that I’m wrong

Throughout all of next day

I have to appear strong

Is it wrong to feel this empty?

Is it wrong to be scared?

Where did I go wrong?

Pushing too hard, falling too fast

Was it doomed all along?

Why does the pain last?

It’s said that you’re never alone

Someone will take your side

My someones’ left me all alone

Don’t even have my pride

Will things be okay?

Please, someone, help me to be strong

Say “let the feelings stay”

Tell me I’m not wrong

Voice setting with the sun,

plunged into violet darkness-

this, the realm of twilight,

smells as crisp and empty as tap water.

Wind roars, it ripped what sounds I could make

from me. It over powers me-

sharp and ever-present as a carving knife.

I struggle to produce

even the slightest whisper, but

even the sound of my breath is extinguished

by rushing noise as I stand

on this hill, overlooking the shadowy twilight sky.

I have nowhere to go,

the wind assaults me in battering gusts

from every angle.

I stand like a scarecrow on this brown hilltop.

My throat is tired– burning and twinging,

yielding nothing.

I hang my head in defeat.

Dirty brown clouds have hidden the stars.

I wish there was a place I belonged.

Where I could escape the screams,

escape the judgement

of eyes widen and staring,

or, thin as worms, glaring.

I wish there was a place I belonged

for even among friends

everything I say is counted against me

with angry exclamations,

or approved with subtle laughter–

not the roaring guffaws

they make after each other’s comments.

I wish there was a place

where I could listen to music that moves,

rustles the long grass blades of my mind,

not this mindless drivel

driving its guitar riffs against gravel vocals.

I wish there was a place where I had friends

who wished to go where I wished to go.

 

I feel the wind on my face,

it caresses, tugs my clothes

and pulls me toward the heart of the forest

near the hills behind my home.

I’m alone.

The sun beats overhead.

For now, I’m where I belong.

Here, in this quiet focus of the natural, blue, green,

and yellow world. It speaks in whispers.

I belong here.

Alone.