Posts Tagged ‘longing’

I’m not sure if I’m isolating myself

in my shut mouth, my closed door,

by the groups I hang out with,

in my flannel shirts, in rehearsals.

I keep thinking how nice it would be

for two arms to wrap around my waist,

pull me close to a warm chest,

a beating heart.

If I open my door,

there’s no guarantee I’ll open my mouth.

I have longed for a kind word,

or a touch. I have

begged for this much.

And while I’m trapped

between four walls, it seems,

everyone else is

falling in love,

or finding happiness-

while I’m- just-

stuck.

O stuck Heart of mine,

you pine for the past-

can you not let go

of what was not meant to last?

 

There is no excuse, now,

not to pump Red to my cheeks-

I have grown cold, with you

behaving thus for weeks.

The Space between us

is more than Silence-

more than Longing, still-

I had lowered my Defense

 

perhaps a bit too soon,

and struck too many times,

or perhaps we missed

Opportunity to reason- you and I-

I do not think of you at break of day,

the sunrise in its vivid orange holds

me so. I meet blazing sky with squinting gaze.

With passage of day I focus not on sun’s golds,

but on your hair: reminiscent of clay and bronze.

Your skin has been kissed by the zealous sun,

I envy it. Your eyes carry one hundred tons

of precious jewels, they glitter so. What’s to be done

when the sun’s passage turns my thoughts to you?

Am I to let this burning love fester?

Or should I loose the words, and then, know not what to do?

Sun, swallow me and let these thoughts pester

me no more! I would rather perish in flames

than go mad due to these wicked mind games.

A tune reels in my head.

It is so familiar yet so unmatched,

I yearn for it

as every man and woman yearns for water.

I believe you are that tune.

Intruding upon everyday

steps on cement and blue carpet,

upon breaths made without thought,

upon blood drumming in ears- war drum

keeping balance between heart and head,

upon nights, moonlight deflected by drapes,

but fantasies not deflected

nor tune obscured

by darkness of room

or warmth of bed.

My regular blood flow is interrupted,

the drumbeat changed, when I see you.

No longer does my pulse stream

at a constant rate, unnoticeable,

it quickens to a locomotive pace.

My heart and guts quiver,

something in me swells, engorges

and pushes away feelings of sadness

as simply as a tear is stroked away

by the steady finger of a lover.

Is it your flushed face,

your small and kind eyes-

their blue warmth like a stove-fire,

which tug my gaze to be held there,

like the compliant needle of a compass?

You, the center,

are far from me,

buried in long conversations

with people I do not know-

one man with dark hair, one man in flannel.

Do you even know my name?

My heart observes:

learning every detail of your face and the way you walk,

listening to the sound of your voice,

fluttering like a doe’s eye from the subtlety of your laugh.

This moment is conceivably permanent;

I smile at your back, my heart pulsating

at a frantic-rabbit pace,

and you staring forward,

head tilted at an angle which I can admire.

My thoughts jumping with happy possibilities

and the sad realization that they will never be.

Unless,

you turn and smile at me.