Posts Tagged ‘worry’

I’m not sure if I’m isolating myself

in my shut mouth, my closed door,

by the groups I hang out with,

in my flannel shirts, in rehearsals.

I keep thinking how nice it would be

for two arms to wrap around my waist,

pull me close to a warm chest,

a beating heart.

If I open my door,

there’s no guarantee I’ll open my mouth.

Seconds are spent making scribbles

into words.

Then the abrupt

change,

the buzz sits like a heavy crown

and hurts like a bruise

on top of my head.

 

Electric eels no bigger

than worms

crawl beneath my skin.

They work their way down

my neck-

 

my spine, a railway-

and enter my arms.

 

I feel them squirm atop my bones.

 

Words change.

They are mine and no longer

mine. 

Each dark letter is

an abyss

pressed onto paper.

In Isolation

Posted: June 15, 2014 in Poetry
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

In Isolation

my Ideas flurry-

like snow- and congeal-

with Focus, sans Worry.

I wish I could get away

from all the distress,

all the pressure,

all the uncertainty.

I wish I had the means to

simply leave

and find a quiet place

where I could stop and look,

not think, just observe,

leaving all familiar faces behind me.

I wish I could find a place

where I wouldn’t have to worry

about being found

because I wouldn’t be lost, anyway.

I just want to find a place

where I have no past

and no future

to worry about.

Why do I feel like a villain,

for intruding upon the monotony of your life,

for being put in a haze by rush of blood to my skull,

for overexamining my life as one might pour over a road map

because the future extends in so many directions

and it frightens me.

I am a child

thrown into a new world,

a new experience,

unprepared.

Now I’m scared

because you learned my secrets, and you can divulge them;

because I opened myself to you, and you,

while you blame me for overreacting

for holding on even though you do the same

and it’s tearing me apart

because you’re so hypocritical,

and I’m pulling my hair out

and I don’t want to be afraid,

but I don’t know how not to be.

Conversation is not my strong suit.

In fact, most people know me as being mute,

or simply quiet.

So finding the right words to say

to you is difficult. Each day,

I won’t deny it,

I want to say “hello”, and so much more.

But before I can, you close the door.

Do the worries cease?

Worries that I’ll say something wrong,

or that before I articulate you’ll be long

gone. Out like a breeze.

So I thought about posting something witty, but then decided against primarily because I couldn’t think of anything particularly witty to post (It’s raining heavily where I am, and the noise is kind of distracting).

Then I thought about posting another poem, but I honestly feel like my metaphorical creative well has run dry. And I didn’t want to post anything philosophical or meaningful ‘cuz I don’t want to bring other people down and bring myself down even more. I also realized that I need to be studying for a Calculus exam because I have failed my first two and if I don’t pass the next two, one of which is tomorrow, it’s very likely that my GPA will then be so low that I may be denied any subsidiary loan for this semester.

And that got me thinking about the meaning of life and our going-nowhere political situation in the U.S. and blah blah blah.

So in the end I just decided to go watch Vlogbrothers. They’re two intelligent people, and they can talk about issues much more intelligently than I can, plus their presentation of intelligent material is not informative, it’s entertaining!

And while listening to John talk about the various books he’s written and published I thought: How does he DO IT!?!?!? And then I remembered that John is man with a considerable amount of time on his hands because he’s not in school.

Nonetheless, I did find that this was enough to lighten my mood and instill a new sense of determination in me.

I have always been fascinated with the world of prose, and while I do enjoy the faster medium of poetry, I have always wanted to have an actual story published. In fact, I came to a decision not too long ago that I was going to finish a short story by next summer’s end. And with that I march onward, pen and computer both at the ready, gathering courage to face tomorrows math test, and the many obstacles that will most assuredly follow it!

I hope that this somewhat unintelligible blathering has instilled a new sense of hope in anyone else who is in a bit of a drag. I also hope that you got at least a small smile or laugh out of it 🙂

Until next time, dftba and stay tuned.